Sunday, 27 December 2009

Avatar for a girl

Picture above generated at

Have you ever dreamt of flying giant birds?
Have you ever dreamt of mesmerizing green and blue colours?
Have you ever dreamt of yourself being not yourself any more?
Have you ever dreamt of waking up in a magical world full of new and scary adventures?
Have you ever dreamt of being in love with an alien?

But any person of an opposite sex or mind - is an alien.

These dreams are scary, hard and hurting. But so rewarding - no matter what. It is such a pleasure that James Cameron and Co were so brave to show us their dreams.

As a little girl at heart - I like simple and romantic story-tales - until now only my imagination and Studio Ghibli could draw these stories up to my expectations.

But here came AVATAR. Born from James Cameron's childhood, creativity and cinematic dreams - Avatar for a girl is a crazy wonderful love story come true. As a wild emotional girl of a city jungle I wish to meet an alien - just as Jake was an alien for Neytiri. He is so simple, pure-hearted and honest. Not so honest, to be frank, but, well, no men are.

Love always makes you vulnerable - especially when you're in love with an alien heart. Alien heart can and most surely will hurt you. For they have no idea what they do - or what they really want to do - time is needed to decide. But love also makes you stronger -a woman in love and a brave man are the best warriors on this or any other planet - including Pandora.

I haven't seen a more beautiful world than in Avatar except probably for one place... - my and your dreams.

Sunday, 13 December 2009


- Let it go, - father Nicholas said in a low confident voice.
- No, I can't - for I love.
- Let it go and walk with me.
- But you always taught me to fight for love...
- When I want you to fight - I will give you a sword.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Everyday Miracles

Just thought I can share with you little miracles that happen in my life from time to time and that remind me that life is really full of surprises and dreams do come true, just stay positive :)

~1} Once I went to Starbucks to buy a cup off coffee, there I saw a nice chocolate cookies and I really really wanted to buy one but I didn't have time and just bought a cup of coffee to go. One hour later I had to go to the bank and while I was waiting in the queue one of the stuff of the bank came along with a tray of cookies to celebrate bank's anniversary or something. On the tray were the very cookies that I saw an hour earlier in Starbucks. So I ate the chocolate cookie, chocolate dream came true.

~2} This logo of 30secondstomars, my favourite band's album. This logo is featuring a red rose as you can see. So one Monday I put this as a wallpaper on my laptop and every time I looked at it I hoped someone would give me a long beautiful red rose. On Friday that week I was taking a bus home late at night and there were only two people in the bus - me and one guy sitting at the front. He stand up and came up to me, I got afraid a bit, but knew that driver could see me. The guy said to me: " next stop is mine, but before I get off I want to give you this" - so he gave a beautiful red rose and disappeared in darkness.

3} I was reading this popular book "Secret", maybe you've heard of it. So there was an exercise to do in order to check "the law of attraction". Basically it claims that the more you think of something - the more it's attracted t your life. The exercise asked readers to think of something for several days like a feather for example and it will come across. I didn't want to think about feathers, so I started thinking about a bouquet or red tulips as these are my favourite flowers. Next day (basically 24 hours later) after Uni when I came home, on the table nest to my flat was a bouquet of red roses (ok, not tulips, but whatever) with a note on it "Take me". So I took it.

4} Me and two of my friends were all going to London from one city, we decided to take the same train, but couldn't buy tickets together as we all were in different cities and bought tickets at different times, so we just thought we'll figure out how to sit together when we are in the train. When we were ready to take the train and checked our tickets - the places we had were in the same coach and they were: 2, 3 and.... 4

5} I was writing a story "Nika is flying to Mars" that you can read on my blog as well, and I couldn't come up with a name for one of the main charachters. So one day in the morning I decided on "James Summers". Later in the evening I was going to the cinema and lost my way, it was heavily raining, when I was trying to figure out where I was I came up to the street sign and it was "Summers place". I was shocked. Later that night when I was in the club my friend introduced me to her friend whose name was... James.

6} One day I went to Starbucks (again) and when I was paying I saw a note on the counter saying "It's my birthday", so I asked whose birthday it was and the girl serving me said happily that it was hers. So I paid for my drink and chocolate medal and then said "Happy birthday" and gave that chocolate medal to her. She was very happy. I was too. Next week in another Starbucks when I was paying for drinks and panini a waiter kept flirting with me. When I got me cup of coffee and panini, inside the bag there was.... chocolate medal.

7} One evening I went to see the play "Now or never" with Eddie Redmayne, one of my favourite actors, and everything was wrong, my friend couldn't join me, tube was slow and I took a wrong line, so I was a bit frustrated. After the play, whic was amazing, I went to ladies, and you know these queues to ladies' restrooms, bloody long. By the time I left, all the main doors were shut and I had to use another door. When I went to the street, guess who was smoking alone at the corner? yes, Eddie Redmayne.

Monday, 9 November 2009

Under the rain

Little shiny balls of rain are falling down. They are very warm and they are flying from sky towards earth surface with such a passion... as if they got a mission. A message to deliver.
I am walking towards the bus stop, which as according to my memory is supposed to be somewhere there, 500 meters away.
I wonder what that message would be? "Don't be afraid" or "Don't run away and go back" or maybe "Be strong".

It's quite late, 3 am. Not sure there will be a bus. Oh, yes, there should be. My memory reminds me that this bus is 24 hours. It's good news. However the decision is to be made, and I know my bloody heart that it can change its decision before the bus takes me away.

As if geographical distance means more than emotional distance. How f**ing weird, but it does. "Away" is the only word that is not from here. It's from somewhere there - far away. And how many people can break that word?

Here and Away are only two words that matter. That doesn't matter if you're away, somewhere deep in my heart you're here. Here and Away don't have so much of a difference now, do they?
Right now at 3 am rushing somewhere I kind of wish you can come and save me from all the troubles. And you will tell me and my sisters a great story about little dwarfs sitting on the clouds and gathering little girls' tears. Then they make rain from these tears. So the more we, little girls cry - the more rain there is. Me and my sisters will believe you, for there is no way not to believe.

It's enough to believe and wait for someone who will just appear in the silver needles of rain and save me. That's not silver needles that hurt, that's my memory that is slowly waking up and reminding me that three years ago this very day, you died. People die, that's a kind of a journey end. Especially if they are 76. Especially if they're grandparents. Nothing to be crying about?

And I am not, who said I am? That's all rain drops on my face. And I am not running away from anything, just went for a walk under the warm rain. Here in this real world you are dead. But in my dreams you are always alive and lively. And you keep telling me something. Like a message. I just can't catch it. My memory is failing me again.

I wonder why it is raining? Why people cry over someone who is already dead? They are rarely crying over those whom they hated. They mostly cry about those who they loved. So these tears are warmed up with love, just like this rain is.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

London Film Festival

I'll meet you at eighteen hours
At Leicester Square next to Vue,
Where the atmosphere glows
And femmes fatales show off perfumes.

It's London Film Festival this week,
You know, my friend, it's not to be missed.
Here's Sandra presenting new flick -
Will it get Oscars?
Or will I fall asleep?

The Times are rushing,
Cheeks are blushing,
Coens're not in good mood,
My mind is totally crashing-
It's all for good.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Know words, Know God

Two English people were sitting in a cafe on St Marc's Square in Venice.
She, was beautiful, with curly hair and olive eyes, Denise.
He, was truly English, white skin, kind of gold hair, lilac eyes with a serious and selfish look, James.

It was early evening and a street singer was signing one of his enchanted romantic songs about eternal love.

James: Oh, I hate all this talking about love, - what is it all about? People are just obsessed wih it, why? I think, "love" was made up for marketing and trade purposes. The idea of "romantic" love didn't trully exist before the 19th century when it was used by a quite bisexual group of poets to describe their unusual feeling. and then after the WWII in this world of commerce businessmen are using it to sell products, books, fragrances, lingerie, flowers.

Denise didn't say anything to that, she was listening to the song.

But when singer left, she turned to sunshine that was escaping behind Palacio Ducalle and said:

Love is walking with a child in the morning. It's acting on stage in front of the audience. It's giving honest and wise advice for people in need. It's writing a letter to a friend. It's hugging your lover at the end of sex. It's being true and only yourself.

James: Fuck the world and it will fuck you back, love the world and it will love you back in return - same shit. To sum up - "love" is just a word, one of many.

Denise: Yeah, right. And first was Word. And it was God.

Monday, 19 October 2009

We are The Road

We are listening, heart-broken,
To soothing, calming voice
Of a man called Viggo Mortensen,
And Time leaves us no choice.

Dark thoughts in our brains are promising

But future where we will take the Road,
And Road will be as long as life
We only wish and truly hope
We'll take the Road with one we love.

In silence we are, with one bleeding heart
Colour-blind mesmerised we feel
That tragedy on screen is probably
The best known form of art.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Finance King

(Imagine rocking it with a guitar and being really really angry)

You are the one on the train

You are the one on the airplane

And you go seaside for hunting

And you go fishing to mountain

And you go

And you go

And you go

And you see all your life

Just in front of you

And you see all you past

Just behiiiiiind

And you dying

And dying

And dying

Since you were born.

All alone in the train

All alone in your private plane

Is it going to crush?

Or is it going to rain?

And you’re getting

And getting

And getting bold.

And you’re loosing

And loosing

And loosing bonds.

And that illusion is striking

You are not anymore a finance king.

And you dying

And dying

And dying

Since you were born.

You better go to desert

For funding

And you should go crying

To mountain

And all illusion is bullshit

We are nothing more than a finance sh**

Thursday, 8 October 2009


for Helios (

Look at these trees -
Where do they grow?
Why do they grow so fast?

How can I climb on top
Of trees to be among
Those little stars.

It's almost night,
It's almost night,
And dark blue wind is leaking
My cheeks and hands,
My feet and bones
I feel inside like freezing.

I'm terrified,
I'm terrified,
But yet I'm climbing
To summit of the sky,
To stars so shining.

And someone yells my name
From somewhere far from here.
It's possible,
It's magical
And soft skies right above me.

I touch blue wind,
I kiss sharp stars,
I smile to moon,
And hear my mom,

Who calls my name from
Somewhere here
From far and far away.

Raccoons in dreams,
Good night to Helios.
Hello to little stars -
I like this life on Mars.

Monday, 5 October 2009

Not Kings and Queens anymore

The moment I opened a bottle
I felt like I'm dying

My evening was finished
And here I was in a hotel - drinking

Large window was looking at me
Promising bright and free future.
I almost believed and walked to it -
But blackberry vibrated on mute.

Religion? - has failed me,
Love - it disgusts me,
Friendship betrayed me,
My blood never lasted.

On phone someone told me
They have just rewarded me
With something and somewhere
For some role in some film.

Lovers? - have left me,
Money? - disgust me,
Fame has betrayed me,
My wine never lasted.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Nika is flying to Mars (part 4)

<------ Part 3

And Nika woke up in the water. She had to push herself out of the bathtub. Nika hit the floor, but it didn't hurt. No pain could compare to the agony in her lungs. She felt like dying. Not a movie pathetic version of "it felt like dying" but real real dying. With one hand pressed to her cut vein she hit herself hard against the wall of a bathtub and spit water. It felt like a moment of "now or never", fighting right now or just giving up. The choice and struggle was between "now" or "no-fucking-way-in-the-whole-fucking-life-say-goodbye-to-your-mom-go-ahead-make-my-day".
But then something happened that was as painful as death but as joyful as life:
A triangle universe of lovely spirit that uplifted her body and her mind.
This moment was awful and painful and yet it was better then a birthday cake or a first kiss. Nika even though that this is something that women perhaps feel when they give birth to children, it fucking hurts but it's fucking awesome.
She was sitting on the floor against the wall, wet and tired, fairly capable to breath, inhaling and exhaling AIR - that was her mission.

"Nika, Nika.
"Nika", - said someone softly nearby.
"Nika!" - she turned around and saw James and X-Ray sitting beside her on the wet floor.
"Wha," - she was trying to speak, but her throat failed her.
"Don't talk, please relax."
"You need to save your energy and rest as much as you can."
"We know you wonder why you can still see us here. Don't worry, you are awaken, but the gas had a strong affect on your body and you still have hallucinations. You will feel much better, but you need to get out of this room, and basically from the building. Something is going on here, something weird, we feel that. Apparently you never opened gas in the kitchenette, we checked your memory several times and I'm sure if we go there we'll find nothing, but there is certainly kind of a gas or something in here and you need to get out, very very soon."
She couldn't talk or breathe, and she definitely had no energy to fight with her own hallucinations right now. She carefully stand up and they helped her. By using the same fire escape they climbed to the roof, but this time - for real."
On the roof there were several people wandering around, just like last time, it was totally a deja vu. And Nika started doubting if this isn't another nightmare that her dying brain gives her before switching off forever and ever.
But the way people were walking was different. They behave like alive. Some of them even saw her presence and were walking towards them. Her brother Max was among them.
"Nika, what happened? Have you also heard the alarm? It said that anyone in the rooms on the upper floors have to use fire escape and proceed to the roof due to some dangerous conditions and potential gas leek. Have you smelled anything?"
Nika nodded quietly.
"I didn't even smell anything weird" - said a 50-year-old geek in huge glasses. - "And I am normally very good at identifying different types of scents. Once I spent a week in death valley where I managed to find my way to the main road just by using the"
"I am very sorry to interrupt you, err, I am sure you're great, but there was a signal on all levels regarding the evacuation from the building. Whatever the reason, I am sure it was more then necessary. Let's allow officials and hotel employees do their job" - said a Russian big lady that was taller then any of the guys on the roof.
"Ok, we should just wait" - said Nika and she didn't recognize her voice.
"For the love of black holes, what on Uranus happened with you?" - her brother, Max, liked to use astronomical terms in every day life a lot. He just noticed that she was covering a wound on her arm and she was completely wet.
"I fell into the bathtub and cut myself with the sharp edge" - Nika surely find a very quick and believable explanation. Normalli she wouldn't, but James told her what to say.
"Well, girl, you should be more careful next time. Floors in the bathroom can be very wet and slippery," - said American geek.
"I will, sir."
She sat down and was happy that this weird conversation was over, she needed time to think. She looked at James and X-Ray who were sitting beside her and asked very very quietly moving just the corner of her mouth: " Why are you still here? Aren't you supposed to vanish because there is no gas?"
X-Ray just shrugged his shoulders and continued looking into the sky with a dreamy smile. James answered, that he doesn't know, but it should be some sort of side affect and she needs to relax.
Max came over to her, he picked up a little stone from the floor and angrily threw it over the edge of a roof. Nika's eyes followed the stone and she remembered how just 5 minutes ago she was flying down. It was awful. And yet, it was unforgettable.
"Damn it". It was obvious that Max was really upset with something. "I hate it".
Nika knew that he probably wouldn't tell her what exactly he hated, but habit taken from her mother taught her to be polite to her step-bro.
"What is it?"
"Well, - Max started explaining Nika with an angry look as if it was all her fault. - "you know that today is the 4th of October. the 4th!!! Not just 3rd or anything! Well, obviously you don't know what it means, you was never interested in this, but.."
"I know, Max, I am not as stupid as you think. The 4th of October is the day when "the radios of the USA and Europe were dead and there was a great silence. the war had spent itself."
"What on Uranus planet are you talking about?"
"I believe this lady is quoting Ray Bradbury's short story "And the rock cried out".
"Yes I was, sir, sorry, I don't know your name"
"You can call me Shane, I'm from Indiana."
"Nice to meet you, my name is Nika, it's Russian."
"What a lovely name, darling, do you know that this name is derived from a Greek name of an ancient goddess Nike"
"Of course, sir, er, I mean, Shane, I know. it's the one with the wings."
"Oh, she was much more than just a goddess with wings, she..."
"I'm sorry professor, but why don't we try to use our time and brain towards figuring out how to get back. It is pretty clear that no one really cares about us."
"Boy is right," -said a huge woman. "We've been here for 44 minutes and 30 seconds and nothing happenned. As far as I am aware with the procedures of fire danger situations, the stuff of the building is responsible to evacute people within 15 minutes."
"This is in your country, but here in Japan according to a special act of 2002..."
"It's enough!" - Nika said loudly. She didn't really want to be so harsh, but all the buzz from these two scientists, Max and James kept on commenting them - it was too much."
"We shall brainstorm the situation. In a calm and orderly manner with a review of all posibilities and voting for a best option."
"Here's astraunaut's daughter! I knew you have your father's leadership skills" - it was James, as happy as a 13-year-old boy on the day of Star Treck relise.
X-Ray kept quiet during all this time, he just kept looking into the sky.
"I want to get out of here very very soon because today is the 4th of October, the day when the first ever artificial satellite was successfully launched on to the Earth Orbit. This is a remarkable day, we should celebrate, this is like the birthday of whole cosmology." -Max burst out.
"I would like to contradict because the birth modern science of the planets and space in general was the first trip to the moon."
"This is funny, you are saying that because you are jealous that Russia was first to enter the space."
"I am not, because..."
The buzz continued but Nika didn't listen to them, all she could do was breathing and looking into beautiful promising sky. James was holding her hand and she thought how calm and relax she is about that. Well, she knew he is not real, just a side affect of her crazy state. Hopefully her brain was damaged forever and she'd continue having these hallucinations. James was murmuring some melody and also looking into sky.
"I am afraid Mars is coming." - said X-Ray. I can feel the change in the air.
"Hm?" - that was everything Nika could say."You see those clouds over there," - and he pointed out to dark silver clouds over them - "They have a pretty weird shape for clouds, don't you think?"
"I guess so. But it's Japan, everything is different."
James said: "The only place I saw clouds like this..." but he didn't finish.
"What are you saying? That it is something weird."
"This is happening, - said X-Ray, - and it is happening now. We have to get ready, maybe less then 5 minutes."
"Less then 5 minutes to what? To going down?"
"Nika, we are afraid this is not the end of your adventurous for today. That weird-shaped clouds in the sky - it must be a spaceship."
Nika looked at James. He had a magnificent voice and really really beautiful blue eyes. But she was not comprehending his words.
"Er, what?"
"Yes, we think.." - Nika didn't give X-Ray a chance to finish his phrase.
"But wait a minute, you're my hallucinations, you can't know that. Everything you know is information from my brain and I can't know if a spaceship is coming."
"Yes, your hallucinations are also your direct access to your intuition."
"Very very nice. And my intuition is telling me that these clouds are from Mars."
"Well, we can't be sure if it's from Mars, it's just it's most likely." - said James.
"Look here," - X-Ray took Nika's hand and pulled her around the corner of a square tv antennae box so others wouldn't get suspicious when seeing Nika talking to herself.
"Look. 3 weeks ago Russia and USA declared that they are going to work together on a project of sending an expedition to Mars. Two weeks and a half Indian spaceship found water on the moon. Two weeks ago there was a major sand hurricane nearby Sydney. Several days ago there was an Earthquake in Indian ocean. This is happening. They are coming."
"If they haven't already come." - said James
"what? Boys, you are insane! Or should I say - I am insane. No one is coming. It was a gas leek and I am going mad but very very soon someone will come and rescue us." - she said that and went to the group of others - two scientists and her brother were talking actively and looking into the sky.
"Nika, look, look there, isn't cool? It totally looks like UFO."
She looked into skies and saw a machine that looked like a metal cruise ship, except it was in the air and it didn't have wings and it wasn't moving, just floating, moving closer and closer. towards them."
"We have talked trhough all the logical explanations and we have two options to consider on th nature of this phenomenon: it could be an early way of Aurora Borealis, also known as northern lights - it's too close to equator and modern science has not any statistics on seeing Aurora Borealis in this region, however it's possible. The effect it has multiplied with all the glass structures of Tokyo skyscrapers gives an illusion of a floating ship."
"Yeah, right, sounds like almost impossible." - said Max.
"What was were second option?" - Nika questioned Shane.
"That it is a spaceship from Mars."
"Hahah, professor, I didn't know you have a sense of humour."
But Shane and Russian lady looked at her very very seriously. "My darling. We scientists always expect and actually look forward to the possibility of existence of other creatures."
"Really? I thought that everything you do is to deny their existence."
"We deny because there is no other evidence. But now we could have when."
And it seemed like they would have an evidence very very soon - the spaceship was floating towards the roof of the hotel. It looked like it was determined to land on this very building.
"And why are you so sure that it's a spaceship from Mars, not like, er, Uranus or Jupiter."
"My dear, how can we talk to you when you don't even know the basics." - said Russian woman.
"Ah, I know why mars is coming." - said Max. - It's because they are afraid of our future expedition. This conference gathered best scientists from Russia, USA and other countries to discuss the possibilities and ways of a Mars project. They are afraid that we are going to go to Mars and invade them! They are not here with peace! They are going to fight us! And this gas leek wasn't a coincidence! The was is coming!"

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Nika is flying to Mars (3rd part)

<--- part 2 part 4 ------>

Nika woke up in bed in the same hotel room. It was still early morning and she was alone: her brother must have already left for a breakfast.

"Oh my Lord, that was just a nightmare. Geee, it was so real. So I didn't meet the band and I didn't cut my vein and I didn't fall asleep. How stupid".

She stood up and felt really tired. "This was a tiring nightmare, I feel awful." Nika came up to the bathroom and pushed the door handle".
"You don't want to go in there", - a very deep beautiful voice said. It came from the far dark corner of the room. Nika didn't need to turn to see his face - she perfectly knew whose voice it was., only one man had such a mesmerizing effect on her.
"James, what, er, what are you doing here?"
"What's the matter? You don't call me your king anymore?"
"What? How? How did you know? Did you read my note???"
"No, I didn't", - he came out from the dark corner and she saw his face. It was as if she knew him from before, as if they were friends.
"I know everything you know. I am the part of your brain" - he said.
"What, how?"
"Look, Nika, something happened. You did something before you fell asleep"
"I wrote a note"
"No, not that, Nika, concentrate, after that"
"And then I had a nightmare. Wait, James, you don't want to tell me it wasn't a nightmare?"
"No, it wasn't, it was real, it happened."
"So, I saw you and you got to know where I stay and you came to visit me?"
"Nika, don't be ridiculous! How on Earth is it possible? Concentrate! What's the last thing you remember?"
"I was in a bathroom. Thinking of my father..." - she looked at James with a sorry look on her face. But James smiled encouraging her to continue. "And then I fell asleep in the bathtub full of water".
"Yes, and before that..."
"Oh my go! oh, I cut my vein with that swiss army knife. But it was a nightmare, I am here."
"Nika, you are not. You are sleeping now. This a dream, everything before - it was real."
"ok, now I know it's a dream I can control it, right?" - and she looked at James.

"Oh, baby, we have some other urgent issues. Not that I wouldn't like to be a part of your erotic dream. But we have a serious problem." He pointed to the bathroom: "You are still in there."
"But I am here" - she smiled.
"No, baby, you are in there. Before going to the bathroom you opened gas in the kitchenette. You lost consciousness and you loosing blood right now, cold water stopped it, but you have to wake up."
"So, all this here - it's a hallucination?"
'Yes, it is, I am part of your hallucination, your brain chose me to help you."
She was standing there in the hotel room, it was like an epiphany, except she didn't want to believe in it. - "Well, that's easy, we can just go into the bathroom and wake me up."
"No, we shouldn't do that. We can't move objects in real and after I told you that you are in the bathtub no idea what kinda of monster you are going to see there. These objects are not real, not physical," - he touched a book with a tip of his finger and it turned into flames and burnt to dust.
"That's impressive, James Summers, you are the king of the kings."
'Thanks, but we need to wake you up, we need to work with your imagination..."
James words were interrupted by the noise from a window. They looked around and saw how a guy is making his way inside the room. He fell on the floor and quickly got up so now they could see him.
"What? What the heck? For the love of God, what ARE you doing here?"
"I am here to rescue you", - said a young guy. She recognised him, he was a young actor who played a vampire in one teenage movie.
"But, man, I hate you."
"No, you don't"
"Well, ok, I don't hate you, but I don't care for you!"
"No, come on, deep down you actually find me charming."
"You know, James, - Nika said, - if before I kinda hoped this is all real and you are real, now I don't have any doubts in the craziness of everything that is going on. Man, - she addressed to the young actor, - I don't even know your name, something with R, P, R... What was it?"
"Nika, you like me, ok, you can lie to your classmates or whatever, but not to yourself, deep down you like me and you can think about this later with a cup of coffee and a textbook on Freud, right now we have to rescue you!"
'All right, all right, you see me through".
"Folks, are we done? We sort of have to get out of here," -said James.
"Ok, ok, we are," - the vampire guy looked out of the window and said - "it's clear, we can climb on the roof, there is a fire escape, it's only 3 floors up."
They made their way to the fire escape. 'I know", - said Nika, "I am going to call you X-Ray, cause you can see through me and it starts with R."
James helped Nika to climb up, - she was wearing pyjama and high heel snickers, her imagination chose this outfit for this lovely crazy morning.
'Are you happy with me calling you X-Ray?".
"Yes, yes I am. Whatever". - they reached the top and climbed over to the rood of this very high building. "Why are you suddenly so talkative?"
Nika looked around and saw some people strangling on the roof like robots in video game, they were certainly part of her sick imagination. Her 13-year-old brother was among them, but he didn't look at her. No one did.
"It's just," - Nika whispered, -"someone is finally listening to me. They never do."
They looked around the roof. It was unclear what to do next.
"Nika, your imagination needs some sort of fear, panic, something that would kind of kill you for a moment until you wake up" - James said. - "Sometimes until you die - you can't feel your life."
"That sounds like a paradox."
"And yet it's true, we don't seem to value things we really like until we loose them."
She looked at the beautiful sky over Tokyo. And she remembered the scene from 'Requiem for a dream" - sometimes she wished that young couple to jump off the roof before all the crap that called life happened to them.
"I am going to jump off the roof. It will certainly kill me for a moment."
James looked at her with appreciation, X-Ray - with fear.
She turned, but X-Ray screamed: "Wait, what if it's all real? You are going to die."
"Yes, right, X-Ray, you are absolutely right. This seems like reality: I am standing in pyjama with a guy from a vampire movie whose name I can't even remember and with the frontman of my favourite band whom I've loved for years.You are absolutely right, this is soooo real."
"Ok, I see your point. Aren't you afraid though?"
"I am not a coward, at least, not anymore". She looked at James, came over to him and hugged him like she never hugged anyone except when she was a child. He hugged her too and softly whispered: "I know, baby, I know, you are not a coward. I don't wanna loose you even for a moment, but it's to save you for a life."
She turned around and without a second thought started running towards the edge of the roof.
"Shit, this feels like real."
Her heart started pumping like crazy and she dived into the beauty of this Sunday Tokyo morning of the 4th of October, 2009."
Air has left her as she was flying down, her lungs were desperate for some oxygen, she tried to breathe, but the only things that entered her mouth was water. water.
"Ahhhhhhhh." And Nika woke up under the water.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Nika is Flying to Mars (part 2)

<--- Part 1 Part 3 ------>

At 7 am she woke up again. It was still early for breakfast. She couldn't fall asleep from all the excitement of being in the same city with him - with James Summers and the Band. It was almost as if she could feel their energy.

Nika went quietly to the bathroom, dressed up and sneaked silently from the hotel room. She wanted to walk in the streets of Tokyo city that looked like a perfect dream.

Needless to say that she met the Band - for her dreams magically tend to come true.

And needless to say that he didn't talk to her - he probably didn't even see her when getting inside the black taxi. He didn't see her smile or hear her voice. It was almost as if she didn't exist.

"That's quite fair. How could I forget that while we could be physically in the same place on Earth - we will never be in the same universe. You are from a different social circle that I can never be a part of. I am from another country, I speak another language, I trust another God, I am from another background and have nothing to do with music. I am from a family of scientist geeks."

Exhausted, she returned to the hotel room. She was so tired and felt like she can burst into tears any moment now. So she said that she's not hungry and not going for breakfast. They left her in the hotel room and went for the breakfast and lunar conference.

Nika didn't want to hear words right now. "Please, not those stupid talks on physics or politics at breakfast - I can't stand it now - I never could." She wanted to be lost in music as she usually did when listening to the Band. But it would be too painful to hear James Summer's voice right now. The only other song she had on ipod was Tosca. That was her father's favourite opera. She remembers him dancing with her, trying to whistle the melody.

"Why was he so sad? Maybe he knew he was going to die soon." Nika didn't think about her father a lot. And she almost never talked about him. He, a Soviet astronaut Nikolai Kurganov, died when she was only four and her mother almost immediately remarried. So in a way she had a father, but he was boring - a lecturer on physics and astronomy. She never understood him, but he was a good father. Not dad, just father. Her real dad was really brave and enthusiastic, fearless, strong and talented. He could draw as good as those artists in the pedestrian streets of Arbat. He could sing so people would get silent and thoughtful. And he could whistle Tosca.

"You left me alone in the family of cold-hearted boring scientists where the only music heard is the intro to the evening news", - Nika was now lying in a bathtub full of cold water. She was still wearing clothes - jeans and sweater, she didn't even take her high-heels snickers off.

"You left me with a passion for art and no way to express it - I can't draw, write, sing or play musical instruments, no one taught me and no one would in this family."

Final sounds of Tosca made her cry, she was sobbing quietly for the things she lost and the things she would never have: "No one loves me here, and no one will".

Red string of blood and a silver blade of Swiss knife - "such a beauty" - she thought. "It's such a beauty."

And she fell asleep in red water, with eyes full of tears not only for her father's life, bravery and youth - but for her own."

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Little Ashes - I am so furious!

So wrong on so many levels. How on earth could a director make a movie and not use all the resources he had? First of all, Spanish language - it's passionate, earthy, funny and sounds artistic for others. It could add such a passion for a whole movie and create atmosphere. If you are making a movie about such a great poet as Federico Garcia Lorca, why not use his instrument? English combined with weird Spanish accent makes this film sound like a joke.
Second resource - Spanish landscape and colour palette. If you are making a movie about such a great artist as Dali, why not to use his language - his colours, give a vision of the world through his eyes? A script maybe isn't perfect but it does suggest using these resources. when Dali asks what should he wear - green or blue, for him it's so much more than a crazy question!
And third - actors, they are young, for God's sake. Unleash them, let them have fun and go crazy. Only Marina Gatell as Magdalena gave a sincere performance. Others look like they were told what to do and those two genius - Dali and Lorca - were never told what to do. You could use Pattinson good looks and make camera leek him unveiling raw magnetism that Dali had.
But no, the director failed to use these resources although script was quite decent. A waste of time and it physically hurts me to watch such a bad performance.
(more info on this film on imdb)

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Inglorious Basterds

You SHOULDN'T watch this film IF:
- you are a little princess
- you are afraid of life and reality
- you are brad pitt's fan (I mean you can watch the film, but it's not his type of movie and he isn't great, apart from his funny accent. I think Tarantino cast him just to have fun of him on the screen)
- you don't like reading subtitles (there are a lot of them)
- you don't like the German language (its sound is as much a part of this film as any other character)
- you don't like Diane Kruger (she's awesome in almost any film, so don't know what's wrong with you)
- you can't read (again there are a lot of subtitles, try to learn at least French before watching the film or Russian lol it's not there, but still try)
- you don't like the face of Til Schweiger (he's superb even when he is silent)
- you lack the sense of black humour or sarcasm or any sense of humour - this film is as much a comedy as it is ... a comedy
- you don't know that everyone will eventually die (unless you are Highlander)
- you read this and decided not to watch 'Inglorious basterds' - it means you are easy at giving up, so don't even try.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Nika is flying to Mars (part 1)

Part 2 --->

Nika couldn't fall asleep. It was 5 am and she was still thinking about this and that. There were lots of thoughts and dreams in her head and she desperately hoped for some of them to come true, as all of us do when we are just 18.

Although it was 5 am here, in Tokyo, it was still 11 pm in Moscow from where she arrived several hours ago. It's funny, her friend Natasha sent her a text saying that Nika is already in 'tomorrow', the 4th of October, and she's still in ‘today’, it was like a message from yesterday.

Very weird feeling.

She opened the window: it was a beautiful dawn, kind of red. And she remembered that she just had a dream about a big beautiful star high in the sky. Or was it a dream? She had troubles sleeping so she couldn't even tell anymore.

In several hours she'll have to get up and go to have a breakfast with her mom, sister and little brother. They stayed together in the small hostel in Tokyo: her mother, Mary and her older sister, Julia, were attending conference on space technologies; there was a very long and scientific name which Nika couldn't remember, too boring. She was never into science and cosmic stuff, hm, there were enough of scientists in her family: her father was an astronaut, he died 12 years ago, in Baikonur, her mom and now her sister, who was 27, were working in the Russian Institute of Space and her little bother Max, who was 13, was also into science, although he preferred sci-fi films and comics.

Nika on the other hand was more into literature and art: she loved studying English and History at school and now was attending the first year of Moscow State University with a major in English philology. It wasn't quite clear what she would do once she's graduated but she didn't worry about that. Well, she didn't really think a lot about future.

She was a day dreamer and, as most of teenagers, she thought that she is very weird, strange and doesn't belong to this society. Right now, at 5 am in a foreign city she felt very lonely. It seemed to her that no one could understand her and no one tried.

Her mother was very surprised when Nika asked if she could go with them to Tokyo. Usually Nika didn't like travelling with the family and especially with her annoying little brother. Besides scientific stuff was always very boring to her. Her mother, Maria, didn't have a clue that Nika was going to Tokyo just because she hoped to meet her favorite musical band, which was in Tokyo for their October tour. As most of girls of her age she had a passion for one band, she was really into it: she knew all the songs, had their official t-shirts and posters all over her room. Her mom thought that everyone had something like that and there is no need to worry. At least she wasn’t into vampires or Emo. Besides this passion of hers gave her a reason to study English.

That’s one of the reasons why Nika couldn’t sleep on this beautiful Sunday morning. She was thinking of him, the front man of the band, she was picturing how she would go for a walk around Tokyo and accidently run into him. She was dreaming what she would say to him and what he would say to her. It was very exciting. She had too many ideas. So Nika decided to write her thoughts down – TOP - Think on Paper, that’s what her teacher always told her. It will help her relax and also kill some time.

My king, I seek for you. I'm your savior. And you are mine. Come to me. Find me. I'm here to help you and love you. Unconditionally. And you are going to save me from here, from this universe. I know - you can help me to get free from this prison of loneliness. We are like two lonely wolves. No, like eagles – we would fly.
No, I am not an eagle, I am a woman and I know I can make a man happy.
I can be your friend, my king. Find me. And I will give you some time of peace. Some time of escape. And I will be a wise and interesting person to talk to. And I will give you great advises. And you will give me confidence and support, oh do I need it? Your confidence and support? Just one or two smiles and silent nods once in a while, so I know that I am doing everything right.
Find me, my king, find me. In the streets of Tokyo on this lovely morning. I will not panic or ask for an autograph or a picture. I will not need anything from you, neither will you. But I can be your friend, my King, I am equal, yet different. I was born as a queen, not yours, yet a queen. On the crossroads of Asia and Europe, on the border of Russia and Kazakhstan I started the end of my beginning. I was named for a victorious goddess – Nika – and I can bring you victory in this war.
We have matching greatness, my king. Hunt for me in the streets of Tokyo on this lovely morning, you'll recognize me, I will hold a map of the world in my hand.”

Nika reread what she wrote and was very pleased with it. It sounded right. He will hear her thoughts. She put the pen down and closed her eyes.

Good bye, my beautiful blue planet, I am out of here.” – was her thought and then she fell asleep.

A journey home

A journey home or preparing to die from cancer - Tao

Pack up your bag
With love, friends' phones,
Book of that guy -
You're going to his home.

White dress, black dress,
Red Lingerie,
Don't take that photo
That brings back bad memories.

Turn off gas pipe,
Switch off TV,
And write with lipstick on the wall:
Remember me, Eternity.

Tuesday, 22 September 2009

In search of my God

This is an abstract from my short story 'New York' about a young guy, musician, living in New York and questioning life.

No, no, no. Nothing is good about hate, rage or fear.

How shall I call you?

How many names do you have?
Life-giving spirit,
Soul-awakening energy,
Small part of my brain that isn't controlled by chemicals and neurons?
The unique part of my DNA?
The love of my life,
The total freedom,
The genius and talant within me that I can't even comprehend or control?
The light of full moon at dark night,
Little piece of hope left in the far corner of my heart when all logical reasons have failed and died?
The freshness of an early summer morning,
The smile of blue eyes,
The open door?
The little miracle on Christmas Eve.
The big miracle on Christmas Eve.
The American dream come true.
Te gulp of cold water after a long marathon,
The people.
The blood and bread.
The first take of air when I was born,
The oxygen?
The spirit,
The non-human beginning,
The love,
The you,
The mine,
The ours?

Sunday, 20 September 2009

How I was watching Julie & Julia

I was thinking - why do people go to the cinema? I mean, really, to think about that - you've got everything at home and you can create your own atmosphere and food and no need to spend money, so why not release films straight away on DVDs and charge a bit more and turn these cinemas into schools?

Well, my thoughts were so negative and there was a reason. - I was sitting in a very uncomfortable chair, the screen was so small that my TV is actually bigger, people are eating pop corn and playing with their phones (probably tweeting "I am in a cinema, about to watch Julie and Julia). Why why why do we go to movies?

But then the curtain fell (metaphorically) and the show (also metaphorically) began. I forgot about pop corn and screen and something embraced me for 2 hours, that I can probably call joy.

This movie is about 2 women, about finding themselves, their way in life. Julie who lives in our times, struggles with everything just like we do and doesn't really know what she wants, who and why. Is she brave enough to pose that question? Yeah, life is not all bed and roses and here comes Julia, played beautifully by Meril Strip, she is like a child (funny Julia was Child) and with every moment that she appears on screen she brings one message - the key is in enjoying the moment, the NOW and HERE, loving it. Her way of writing a book wasn't about a dream of becoming a writer and accomplishing something, it was a process, that she and others enjoyed.

Julia didn't cry when she didn't get something the way she wanted - can't live in Paris, all right. In contrast Julie was bursting because of a dish she couldn't make. Julia was joyful with every bit of success she had whether it was a letter of acceptance from a publisher or the "well done" nod from a teacher in a cooking class after she chopped several kilos of onions.

From now on I will pop a bottle of champagne every time something great happens. Sometimes I will do it just in my head (cause I can't really pop a bottle of champagne because someone complemented my shoes in the tube) but I will definitely share it with others, you, people, cause I love you. muaaaah.

On the night I turned twenty

That's a poem written by a girl on the night she turned twenty after she finished reading Harry potter and the Goblet of fire in which her favourite character Cedric Diggory died. Here is a link to Cedric Diggory profile on imbd to remind you who it is (played by Pattinson in the film).

So I woke up,
My pillow was now
All wet.

It smelled so salty
Like sea in storm
And my face was red.

And I remembered
The whole nightmare -
The only truth
How evil darkness
Took your youth.

You were so brave,
Protecting Harry,
So kind inside.

Everyone loved you and
It was easy for you to love.
To love the freedom,
World and people,

Oh Cedric, Cedric!
It was so fun knowing you live,
But now you're dead!
And I am twenty -
How horrible is that.

And I was weeping
The whole night long,
Not only for Cedric's

But for my

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Narnia lullaby

So that's a lullaby that I wrote as a part of my novel that I am writing right now. that's a song that dad sings to his small son and remembers times when he was young and wanted to be Prince Peter from Narnia

Now close your eyes
And I will take you to the town
Of million, million stars
There is a lion with a crown,
His love is all around.
Look at these trees, where do they grow?
Why do they grow so fast?
Did you forget your dream so far,
A dream about million stars?

Oh, when it's dark in Narnia,
Don't worry, I am with you,
Am I the king, Am I your dad?
No matter, I love you.

Now close your eyes
And I will take you to the town
Of million, million stars.
And there are kings reigning in piece
Under the height of growing trees,
So quickly growing trees.

and what the heck is love? (from my short story Venice)

Two english people were sitting in a cafe on St Marc's Square in Venice.
She, was beautiful, with curly hair and olive eyes, Denise.
He, was truly English, white skin, kind of gold hair, lilac eyes with a serious and selfish look, James.

It was early evening and a street singer was signing one of his enchated romantic songs about eternal love.

James: Oh, I hate all this talking about love, - what is it all about? People are just obsessed wih it, why? I think, "love" was made up for marketing and trade purposes. The idea of "romantic" love didn't trully exist before the 19th century when it was used by a quite bisexual group of poets to describe their unusual feeling. and then after the WWII in this world of commerce businessmen are using it to sell products, books, fragrances, lingerie, flowers.

Denise didn't say anything to that, she was listening to the song.

But when singer left, she turned to sunshine that was escaping behind Palacio Ducalle and said:

Love is walking with a child in the morning. It's acting on stage in front of the audience. It's giving honest and wise advice for people in need. It's writing a letter to a friend. It's hugging your lover at the end of sex. It's being true and only yourself.

James: Fuck the world and it will fuck you back, love the world and it will love you back in return - same shit. To sum up - "love" is just a word, one of many.

Denise: Yeah, right. And first was Word. And it was God.


I have got so many impossible things in my head. Sometimes they come true. But I believe that sharing is caring. So here is this blog. to share. Love, xx.